25 Jul Sweating the Small Stuff
Yesterday was mine and Dassy’s 11th wedding anniversary (interestingly, both the Jewish and Gregorian date fell out on the same day). I was reminiscing a bit about the week following our wedding, where there were festive meals each day, known as Sheva Brachot. I recalled being asked to speak at one of those meals where friends and family were present, and trying to incorporate the weekly Torah portion of Ekev with the institute of marriage (and with my two days of marriage experience at that stage, I knew I’d be a great resource to share some knowledge in that field!). I shared a story I heard from a lecture given by Rabbi YY Jacobson, in which a husband was meeting with the Lubavitcher Rebbe. During the meeting, he was lamenting the fact that he felt that he was too religious for his wife and that it was driving a wedge in their marriage. The Rebbe sensed that the situation wasn’t as black and white as the manner in which the man was presenting it and that he was only hearing half of the story. In the middle of the discussion, the Rebbe summed up what he thought the self-righteous husband was trying to impart and threw in this tongue in cheek synopsis (not having a written transcript of this, I am paraphrasing the discussion). “So you’re saying that you are more religious than your wife and therefore, the argument isn’t just between you and your wife, but rather between you and your wife with G-d on your side.”
“Yes, that’s exactly right!” the husband exclaimed, not grasping the Rebbe’s sarcasm with his comment.
“So here’s what I would advise you,” continued the Rebbe. “You need your wife to realize that your religiosity is not about you trying to you trying to one-up her and show your spiritual superiority over her. You need her to realize that your scrupulousness in Torah is truly altruistic in nature as opposed to her thinking that it’s a convenient tool for you to pull out when she needs your help or presence in any area. I suggest that you take on a Mitzvah that may be a bit challenging for you and to perform it to the highest standard. I believe that once she sees that you are observing a more difficult mitzvah, than she will also appreciate the other mitzvot that you perform. The Mitzvah that I would recommend you begin with is to honor your wife. Maimonides writes that a husband should honor his wife even more than honor he accords to himself, love her as much as he loves himself and should speak with her gently and not harshly. If you start with keeping this mitzvah to the highest degree, then I am confident that many of the problems you are facing will be addressed.”
Suffice it to say that his marriage took a major turn once he took that advice to heart. For another encounter the Rebbe had with a woman feeling that she was feeling her marriage was suffering due to her husband not being as observant as she was, click here).
I shared that story in connection with the Torah portion that week (and this week), Parshat Ekev, which begins with the words, “”Vehaya eikev tishme’un…” The literal translation is “Because of your listening to these commandments” (you will merit the blessings which the Torah goes on to enumerate).
In addition to the word eikev meaning “because of”, eikev can also mean “heel.” The commentator Rashi explains that the verse is alluding to the “light” commandments, the seemingly less important mitzvot which people tend to “trample with their heels.” The type of things which all too easily fall by the wayside. We all know about the “major” commandments, such as eating Matzah on Passover, keeping kosher, or fasting on Yom Kippur, things like that. What about the smaller details? Are we as careful?
While marriage is certainly not a “small mitzvah” by any standards, the fact that a couple lives together and spends a great deal of time together can also contribute to one underestimating the importance of always being respectful to the other, as opposed to respectfully not agreeing on every issue that arises. So there is a susceptibility of treading on your spouses’ honor and speaking to him/her in a way you certainly wouldn’t speak to a superior or even a co-worker or friend.
This Mitzvah certainly transcends the arena of relationship between husband and wife or any interpersonal relationship. There are many sources in the Torah that associate our relationship with G-d as a marriage. And like in any relationship, especially one where two individuals are living with each other, there are the easier and enjoyable ways to connect and show one’s affection and the more difficult ones. Think of the proverbial example where one spouse asks the other not to squeeze the toothpaste from the top of the tube!
We all have those mitzvot that we cherish and love, perhaps it’s having an intimate Shabbat meal with family, a weekly Torah class (like Caffeine for the Soul) in person or through Zoom, celebrating Chanukah by lighting the Menorah, or showing up to shul to connect with Hashem and then connect with others at the kiddush (may we soon return to those times!) It’s so beautiful and important to have mitzvot that you are passionate about. But it’s also important to work on an area or our relationship with G-d that doesn’t come easy, whether it’s in the realm of praying, keeping Kosher, Shabbat or a myriad of other connection points which enhance our relationship with the Almighty. It’s also important to remember that almost every mitzvah, connection point, is not an all-or-nothing proposition, so if you work on trying to observe some areas of Kosher or Shabbat, that’s a wonderful way to show your devotion to those Mitzvot which may have been stepped on until now. I’m here to help you with working on any Mitzvah, whether through a discussion or through giving you books or other resources.
So let’s not forget those little things, because to someone else or to G-d, they are incredible ways of demonstrating our love and commitment.
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