25 Jul How to Jumpstart your Relationship
Two days ago, I received a phone call from a woman in our community who needed some assistance. Her car had run out of gas right as she approached a turning lane to enter the highway. Dassy and I happen to have a gasoline container (don’t we all run out of gas at some point in our life!) and I still had a little time before Hebrew School began, so I drove to a gas station to fill up the container and easily located the immobile vehicle.
Filling up the car, however, turned out to be a more difficult task. I tried adjusting the nozzle so the gas would come out, but nothing came out. After numerous attempts, I elected to unscrew the cap and pour the gasoline from the container into small empty water bottle I had in my car.
Pouring from the container into the bottle into the gas tank proved to be a lengthy task. I didn’t do the math at the time, but with a two-gallon container containing 256 ounces of gasoline, that translated into 32 transfers from the small 8-ounce water bottle I had, with a good dose of it spilling on my hand and onto the ground (I google “how to remove the smell of gas” later that evening and tried a vinegar/baking soda compound with limited success!)
Thankfully, the car returned to life and I made it back just in time for Hebrew School. But as I was pouring what seemed like endless rounds of gas from the container to the bottle into the gas tank, I was reminded of a story from this Shabbat’s Haftorah which tells about the plight of a widow who was heavily in debt. Sadly, her creditors were threatening to take her two sons as slaves to satisfy the high debt. When the Prophet Elisha asked her what she had in her home, the widow responded that she had nothing but a small jug of oil. Elisha told her to borrow as many empty containers as possible. She should then pour the oil from her jug into the empty vessels. She did as commanded, and miraculously the oil continued to flow until the last empty jug was filled. The woman sold the oil for a handsome profit, and had enough money to repay her debts and live comfortably. In my slightly less dramatic 21st century rendition, the gas kept pouring and the car had enough gas to drive comfortably home (though it probably needed a proper filling soon after!)
One of the beautiful components of our Torah is that in addition to the literal takeaways’ that we can glean from its stories, there are layers of deeper lessons contained within them as well. There is a beautiful Kabbalistic interpretation of the story of the oil that the first Chabad Rebbe shared about 250 ago. The Rebbe used this story as a metaphor in guiding one of his disciples who confided to him that he felt apathetic and cold towards serving G-d and the Torah.
The Rebbe expressed that the relationship between us and G-d is offered compared to a husband and wife. To follow the story line, our soul cries out about her husband’s death—the death of her divine G-dly spark. There are times in our life when we felt a passionate love and fear towards G-d, but now that flame is completely extinguished and feels “dead”.
Even worse, cries the soul , “the creditor, has come to take my two sons as slaves.” The creditor is our unholy inclinations, and the children refer to the passions of love and awe that we possess. Rather than feeling emotion towards G-d, they have been redirected towards unhealthy temptations and cravings.
So G-d (so to speak) responds to us, “What have you in your house?”: What part of you has not been hijacked by the animal soul? What is left “inside your soul?”
And the response is, “We have nothing except a small jar of oil.”
Oil represents the essence of our soul and the core of our human identity. Even when we are emotionally and spiritually drained, this core can never be taken from us.
Now, the prophet Elisha turns to the widow and says, “Go borrow as many empty containers as possible!”
Empty and borrowed vessels serve as a metaphor for uninspired robot-like positive Mitzvot and actions that are empty of passion and enthusiasm, actions which we could never call “our own” since our heart and soul are not present in these actions.
We are advised to continue to perform G-dly, moral and sacred deeds, many good and G-dly deeds, even if they seem borrowed and empty to us. These good deeds will generate the love and passion that we’ve been longing for.
This is a beautiful metaphor not just in our relationship with G-d, but in our marriage and other interpersonal relationships as well. In life, we often expect that our emotions should fuel our actions. Emotions are a huge part of our life and express our personality, but the Torah is telling us that they shouldn’t be in the driver’s seat to dictate how we act.
Think of two people in struggling with an empty marriage (obviously not referring to an abusive or toxic situation.) As difficult as it can be, rather than to keep waiting for the emotions to kick in, take the initiative to act lovingly, though you may feel that your spouse is a burden. Fill your life with thousands of empty vessels, with numerous acts of “borrowed love” in which your own heart is not present. Whether it’s expressed through roses, washing the dishes, putting the kids to sleep, arranging a “date night” or writing a card, these “empty” acts can and will jumpstart the passion.
As for a closed-heart parent attempting to connect to his or her children — approach your children, embrace them and tell them how you much love them. Your heart may be locked, and your emotions stifled — it does not matter. We want empty vessels. As many empty vessels as we can get.
It may not be possible to live a lift of perpetual inner vitality and inspiration; but we can strive to fill our lives with empty vessels, with a schedule saturated with meaningful acts and experiences. Wishing you many joyous returns on your investment!
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